When Our Mothering is Questioned

Mary Cassatt ~ Young Mother Sewing

One of the great challenges of mothering and perhaps fathering too, forgive me dads - as I don't know about the experience of being a dad as my experience is as a mom - is that family members may question, criticize or even attempt to "correct" the choices we carefully and consciously make on how we want to parent our children. 

For families who are drawn to a Waldorf lifestyle, there may be concern that we're not doing enough "academic" work or instructed "teaching" in the early years, that we're not teaching the ABCs and giving scientific explanations of why the sky is blue, that we're not teaching reading and we're not emphasizing the printed word. 

We may be criticized for making the commitment to stay home and care for our child  rather than send him or her to "school" at age three, which unfortunately, outside of Waldorf environments, tends to be an intellectual cram down of what the child is most ready for at a ripe age six or seven, but not at age three. Not to mention the lack of time during "school" for all important physical movement and exploration and child initiated free play, which is the foundation of healthy intellectual development that will come later. 

Even in Waldorf environments, being awoken early, dressed and rushed out the door may not necessarily be in the best interest of the child or family life. Then there's the question of peer orientation, the huge, often unspoken problem we face today when children become socially oriented to peers, who are by their nature immature, rather than remain healthily oriented to their parents and family values. 

It saddens me to see the cultural shift that has taken place in my lifetime, in which moms, home and family life have been devalued in the name of convenience for employers who value employee attendance over the importance of family and a healthy home life as the foundation of a healthy society. It's tough as a new mom, a mom of littles to follow one's heart and inner knowing and trust ourselves in the face of these challenges from outside. It's even harder when close family members question what we do.  

I found myself in a similar place with family members when my children were young. The focus seemed to be all about what I did NOT do instead of what we did do. I didn't read to my children when they were very young. I didn't go into scientific explanations of things. My mom was surprised because we are a family of avid readers. I shared some information with my mom and my husband. (Husband was a lawyer and that just gave him more ammo to argue about it.) What really made a difference for us, and it took me a long time to figure it out was to focus on what we DID do. I shifted the focus to what we did do everyday.

As women, we tend to underestimate ALL that we do during the course of a day, and all the ways we are teaching through our doing, how we nurture literacy through speech and movement games and through the way we speak to our children. I incorporated nursery rhymes from birth with our daily activities like diaper changes and getting dressed. We set a pretty table together and sang a blessing. (We still do.) I told little stories about daily household events. I made simple finger puppets. I made simple felt animals and people figures. I cleared out the space alongside the kitchen where they could play close to me while I worked. We baked bread together, we made soup together, we did laundry together. My children were with me or playing close by in the kitchen for what seemed like all day. We spent lots of time outside, usually with me doing chores and the children playing or joining in the work (letting the chickens out, feeding them, hanging laundry. raking leaves, shoveling.) We painted together. We made gifts together. 

As my children got older and family members saw how family oriented they were, how well they played, how they made beautiful cards and simple gifts and crafts, how they loved being outdoors and in nature, building snowmen, sledding, tobogganing, ice skating, having a sense of reverence, I think it brought to mind fond memories of aspects of their own childhoods.  I quit talking about Waldorf ed to them (it was hard) - that made a huge difference. If I didn't talk about it as "Waldorf," and didn't give it a name, but just emphasized that I wanted my children to experience the wonder of childhood and be able to really play and spend time outside and later play jump rope and knit and whittle, they seemed to be less concerned about it. Now my youngest is in his teens, and all of that questioning has been forgotten as they are indeed kind, literate, hardworking, creative and capable people. So dear mamas, my suggestion is to bring the conversation back to you, to all that you do in a day, all those things that seem most ordinary, that deeply nurturing the healthy development of your child.  

        
                                                   Peace on Earth begins at Home. 

Inner Work

Our days can be quite full of tasks. 

They're filled with caring for children, pets and the home, planning, preparing and serving wholesome meals, cleaning up afterwards, maintaining healthy rhythms and routines, ensuring time and space for free play and getting outside in the fresh air and being the chief cook, bottle washer, organizer and overseer of family life.

In addition, some of us work from home or have jobs outside of the home, and garden or farm.

Some of us are homeschoolers too. As homeschoolers we add to the daily tasks of preparing and presenting lessons. This is an even bigger task for a single parent, or a family in crisis. It’s big my friends, and full of opportunities for transformation and growth.

Each of us is our child's first teacher. We teach our child what it means to be human in this world through our own life, our words and gestures and deeds.

What does this have to do with inner work?
Our most important task as parents and educators is described in a quote I share in the description of my program, Celebrate the Rhythm of Life eGuides and eCourse ~ living curriculum. It’s from Rudolf Steiner and it is so meaningful in the context of inner work that I’ll share it here:

“Essentially, there is no education other than self- education, whatever the level may be. This is recognized in its full depth within Anthroposophy, which has conscious knowledge through spiritual investigation of repeated Earth lives. Every education is self-education, and as teachers we can only provide the environment for children’s self-education. We have to provide the most favorable conditions where, through our agency, children can educate themselves according to their own destinies. This is the attitude that teachers should have toward children, and such an attitude can be developed only through an ever- growing awareness of this fact.”

This “self-education” that Rudolf Steiner describes is not a memorization of dates or facts. He is talking about working on our self, on getting to who we are and what makes us tick.

Inner work is about getting to know ourselves, and through that process we are better able to see and get to know our children.

When we observe our children through our own pain and wounds, without knowing they are there, we tend to project our needs on to them. In getting to know ourselves, we can better recognize what’s our “stuff” from the past and who our child is, as separate from us, as the other. Inner work helps us come to a place of being present, so we are able to respond rather than react to our children, and whatever life throws at us.

Through this process of inner work, and with it comes inner growth, we are better able to meet our children and guide them along.

You may have thought that Waldorf education was about the material in the curriculum, yet it is about so much more. So many parents come to Waldorf education for the beauty and simplicity, and find themselves growing and stretching, getting to know themselves better, and feeling more clear, confident and connected to what they value most. Sometimes it comes as a surprise. I often hear, "I didn't expect it to change my life." Yet is does, if we are open to it.

It is through inner work, the ongoing and sometimes subtle and not so subtle work of getting to know ourselves and embracing the muck in our lives that transformation occurs. In becoming more clear about who we are, and what we are doing in this wild and precious life of ours, we become more present and more able to easily make decisions that resonate with our deepest and most heartfelt values. We open to creativity and often find answers coming to us, seemingly from out of blue, but really from our deep longing for getting to know ourself and our truth.

It’s exciting, no? To be spurred on with our own growth as human beings. Who would have thought that parenting brings so many hidden gifts.

Celebrate the Rhythm of Life 

Harmonious Rhythms ::   Soulful Parenting with the 3C's : Consciousness, Connection, Creativity
Waldorf Homeschooling + Homemaking

         Peace on Earth begins at Home. 

Parenting - Is Compliance or Connection the Way to Go?

Q & A with Lisa

Dear Lisa,
I heard somewhere in the Waldorf world that teaching children compliance is important. 

It makes me wonder because there are so many stories among friends of children who are unable to stay in classrooms and sometimes even in a school because they don’t listen to the teacher and won’t do what is asked of them. 

Is that what we need to focus on in the early years? I try to make my son behave, he is 3 years old, but he is so strong willed and has such a mind of his own that it is impossible most of the time, he just won’t listen to me. What am I missing?

Muddled Mama

Dear Muddled Mama,

Thank you for bringing forth this very important question.

Your question helps us to reflect and shine light on a very important aspect of parenting, our expectations of the child and what those expectations are based on.

We all want to get along and have the "harmony rainbow” experience of childhood: beautiful toys, time outdoors, lovely songs and time together.

Yet if we are honest with ourselves, this is not always the case. We may have our moments of bliss or even days of bliss and then it happens, whammo! the behavior that takes us by surprise and leaves us speechless.

Young children give us the opportunity to grow and learn more about ourselves and the world if we can just take a deep breath, that deep breath of parenting, all the way to our toes and re-focus. (it’s like free psychotherapy, always available to every parent throughout childhood)

Is this particular behavior, in this particular moment, the issue? Is that where we need to go, where we need to focus, to help our child grow into a healthy human being? Or might it be a signal to look at the big picture?

I’m going to take what may be the less popular stance and say, it’s not about fixing the behavior in the now, but about gaining a  deeper understanding of the behavior, about what is beneath the behavior. It is likely that what is being called for through the behavior may need regular attention over time.

(the feeling it triggers in us in the moment, that is a real feeling and alive in the now, yet often triggered by something in our own past, a good topic for another day)

A child’s behavior, and our response or reaction to it, offers us a clue to something more, something else going on within the child, within us or within the child’s environment. When a child exhibits behavior that concerns us it is an invitation to:

Look look a little deeper

What about compliance? I always think of it as a sort of forced behavior, being made to comply. With echoes of the “Do as I say, not as I do,” approach.

Let’s look at the word compliance.

Compliance is defined by the Oxford English dictionary a:

"The state or fact of according with or meeting rules or standards"

Compliance defined as being in a state of according with, meaning being in agreement with rules and standards.

Hmmnnn… rules and standards are ways of being that are imposed from the outside in. Sometimes rules and standards are very abstract. The child’s relationship to rules and standards is that they are imposed from without.

So where do we go from here?

Let’s look at the unfolding child, the developmental picture of the child...

The first seven years of life are a time of creating an environment and a relationship with the child that supports actions on the child’s part from the inside out. We work on rhythms to make life feel secure and predictable, from the inside out.

We work on the environment and of creating a feeling that the world is good by doing something for the child that the child cannot yet do for him or herself, we filter out the concerns of the adult world, the media and stress that constantly bombards us.

We work on the relationship with our child, to be in the position of parent, of authority based on a hierarchy of parent knows best.

Out of this relationship, we have the ability to parent our children. 

How do we help a child act from the inside out?

Begin by trusting yourself and going back to your relationship with your child.

The most important factor is our relationship with the child, that it is an hierarchical relationship. When we are as Gordon Neufeld describes in “right relationship” with the child, a relationship of being your child’s "best bet" that occurs when we step into our big shoes as the parent, children want to come along, to be good, out of an inner drive of belonging, out of relationship, out of “we” do this now.

When the child’s behavior is out of sorts, the first step is to look at our relationship with our child rather than at the behavior, what is going on with our child, is our child in right relationship with us? For this relationship, this natural attachment of child to parent, this relationship provides the context for parenting. Without it, there is constant struggle.

What supports this relationship, these natural attachment instincts? 

What do children need to fall into attachment with their parents?

Time

Time to develop at a child’s pace.

Family Meals

A ritual of coming together to share food each day as a family, as a group of people who belong together.

Home Life

Slow and simple daily life that allows for the healthy, traditional unfolding of children. 

Play

Plenty of time to initiate free play, indoors and out.

Family Time

Rituals and routines of home life, daily shared meals, special shared activities like big breakfast on the weekends, shared stories, cooking together, playing games together, singing, prayers, blessings.

You are not missing anything at all dear mama.

Celebrate the Rhythm of Life 

Harmonious Rhythms ::   Soulful Parenting with the 3C's :: Waldorf Homeschooling

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Q & A with Lisa :: Mom Wants Child to Play on Her Own

Dear Lisa,

I so hope you can help me figure this out because it's making me crazy.  Seems like every time I try to get some work done around the house, my daughter starts to act up and demands my attention by whining or being clingy. She is four years old. I've been a stay at home mom with her since she was born. I am always here for her. I am feeling so frustrated because I want her to play on her own. Any advice?    ~ Frustrated Mama

Dear Frustrated Mama,

My heart goes out to you because I know first hand how exhausting it can be to listen to a child whine. It wears me down when my children whine. 

However, try adjusting the lens of perspective just a bit to see what might be behind this behavior.

I know that the whine is hard to hear and as adults, our impulse is usually to fix it with a list of suggestions or take on the role of entertainment director.

Yet the underlying cause of the behavior may have more to do with something that ostensibility has nothing to do with the moment.

Let's put on our observation glasses and begin with the big picture, what's going on with this child?

These are the questions I ask myself to figure out what the need might be when my children start to come undone and can't seem to play when I am trying to do something else.

In my head, to myself I quickly go over my checklist:

8 Questions to Ask Yourself When Your Child Whines 

1. Have s/he eaten lately?

Yes, check, it's not hunger.

2. How was his or her sleep?

Good. Check.

3. Are we getting out of doors for enough movement and sunshine in the fresh air every single day: running, jumping, swinging, climbing, digging, balancing kind of play each day, especially in the morning?

Fresh air, sunshine and movement are essential for the health of children and adults too. It is the morning sun that makes for good Vitamin D absorption and sets our melatonin timers to release at the end of day.

4. How is our rhythm? Is there a consistent rhythm and routine to our days? 

Children need plenty of time for self initiated free play. When children have a routine they can count on, they know what comes next and tend to settle into the flow of the day, they relax and feel secure and out of this feeling of security and calm can play more easily. Same routine every day, simple, simple, wake up, dress, eat breakfast, do chores, go outside and play, eat lunch, take a nap, play, have dinner, bath, story, bed… the needs of children are so simple.

5. How's our connection to each other?

Attachment with our children is an ongoing and lifelong process. A child of this age is still developing her attachment capacities and needs regular check ins with mom in the form of eye contact, nods and smiles. Rocking and snuggling help too. When a child feels out of step with her parent, she may whine to let us know. Often some time spent genuinely engaging with a child for a short while, maybe washing dishes together, having a walk, telling a story will "carry" the child through the morning emotionally with connection.

6. How is the play area? 

Is there room to play, free of clutter, without too many toys, and close to you? Children like to be close to us as we work. Think about little spots in your home where you're child can play close to you. Are the toys open ended? Again simple and think imitation, whatever you are doing, she'll want to do too, a pot and spoon to stir a few objects from nature for the pot, a little laundry basket, a small table with a few cups and plates.

7. Do she have an example worthy of of imitation to follow? 

Am I feeling joyful in my work, singing or humming and happily engaged? Is there a basket her size to carry the clothes in from the line or dryer, with cloths for her to fold? Does she participate in the work and help hang clothes on the line or toss them into the dryer? (While she may not get it done, or may not do it as you would, let her contribution to the household work be.) If I am feeling grumbly, my children know it, often before I do. They absorb our moods.

8. Is regular media exposure part of my child's life?  

While it may seem odd, children tend to have a harder time engaging in self initiated imaginative play when media exposure is part of daily life. The images on the screen overwhelm the brain and make for too much sensory information for the child to fully process. All of the simple and lovely pictures we bring through story, song and the wonder for all of life that children are born with, both get annihilated by screen characters and images.

Help bring him or her into play
Healthy play is vital to healthy childhood and your child may need some guidance and support to find her way into play.

She may need some help stepping into play. The power of example and imitation is great. Set up a little scenario for play, a tea party with Dollie or Teddie, a cloth with a few animals and bits of nature on the floor to make a farm or begin to narrate a little walk in the meadow with figures set up.

If all seems in place above, then it may be that s/he needs more form to his or her day with clear time and directions for working together, "Here you scrub that side of the table, I'll do this side," a clear time for rest after lunch, perhaps after a story, clear time of day to go out and play. This brings us back around to the breathing in and breathing out quality to the day, something we'll take up in the eCourse in October.

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If you like this article and find it helpful  and you'd like more, consider signing up for my eCourse When Less is More :: 31 Days to a Calm and More Meaningful Homelife, it begins tomorrow October 1st

Celebrate the Rhythm of Life 

Harmonious Rhythms ::  Parenting with Soul :: Waldorf Homeschooling

Why the Silence Over Here?

Yes, I have been very quiet here. I have turned in, to that place where I go, to that inner cave, deep within, when I need a break.

If you are in one of my eCourses or you are in my ~living curriculum program or you have sent me a note and not yet heard back, please forgive me and give me a little holler via email.

You see when I began my ~living curriculum program for Waldorf Homemakers and Homeschoolers  four years ago, I focused on rhythm: daily rhythms, weekly rhythms, and seasonal rhythms. We have been around the year, some of us coming together this month to begin a new schooling year for the fourth year in a row. And that is something very dear to me.

I began this program as a simple monthly subscription that included Stories, Circle, Nature Crafts, Recipes and Festival information for each month, along with a focus topic to study and discuss each month.

I started it as a way to share my experience of Waldorf  homeschooling and soulful parenting practices with others, parents, early childhood teachers and caregivers on the same path.

What I failed to include was down time for me.

The time for my own breathing out…

I expected myself to send daily notes, without a break. To organize a new focus topic for each month, full of inspiration and reflection, without a break, through the year and to stay on top of it on a daily basis. To freshen the materials when needed, deepen areas where members wanted to go deeper and address topics of parenting and child development that are woven through our lives.

What I came to realize, you see it took a while, as I am a slow and steady type, is that I needed to work in breaks for me. Down time. Time when I could step away freely, without any of my own induced guilt. Time to turn away and find renewal without any obligation to be present or respond, or write or think.

You see for me, those moments, when I feel so free of obligation, tend to be the times when the new ideas and enthusiasm are born.

And so in stepping back and taking some breathing space, that really began with a writing paralysis and loss of my voice online, then became a gasp for fresh air, I have decided to make some changes in the formatting of my Waldorf Homeschooling and Homemaking ~ Living Curriculum Program and eCourse offerings, in response to your requests. 

I am busily and excitedly reformatting the program by separating it out into a simpler and easier to use bits of material, with step by step guidance for each week through the seasons. Plenty of room will remain for your tweaking, while a firmer structure will be in place to help guide you along, if that is what you need. The content will remain rich, soulful and inspiring, very much grounded in and rising out of the seasons yet will be more accessible and well laid out for you.

I'll post more about these changes soon.

Warmly,

Celebrate the Rhythm of Life 

Harmonious Rhythms ::  Parenting with Soul :: Waldorf Homeschooling

Anticipation

"anticipation is making me wait, keeping me waiting...
… for these are the good ole days."

Are you old enough to remember Carly Simon's hit song? You can hear it here.

I do remember being a first time mom and oh, I wanted it all for my child.

I was so excited to explore these Waldorf ways with him. I looked forward to all these delicacies of a Steiner based education: watercolor painting, geometric designs, beeswax modeling, marionette puppetry and woodworking. I wanted to bring it all to him.

I was blessed to have a lovely mentor in my life, who was grandmotherly to me and helped me see that it is a gift for the child to wait for things. Anticipation builds interest, curiosity, gratitude and joy. When we are given things before we are ripe for them, we cannot appreciate them. 

The child three and under is all movement and exploration: working hard in piling things up… and then... dumping, splashing, dropping, undressing the dolls. All process. No finished product. This is to celebrate, this is healthy development. This free self initiated movement is the foundation for creativity. 

Babies don't need to be born with a paintbrush in their hand to become creative human beings. The creativity arises from the whole being, the being who was free to be a baby and move around, free to be a toddler and toddle around. This is what I came to understand about Steiner based education, that we honor the age and stage of development and let children be children by waiting. 

Another realization that came to me with this bundle of joy and infinite wisdom, my first born, when I was so gung ho to bring him painting and crafts and modeling was that it was me who had the hunger. I  wanted to delve into these realms. So little by little, in taking up the painting and crafts and modeling myself, I was able to step back and allow my child to be a toddler.

So I began to paint and made things of the watercolors: invitations, cards, bookmarks, notes for myself. In doing this, indulging myself, I realized I was giving myself permission to nurture me. Just for me.

Around the same time, I began to focus my artistic energies on making practical things for my son, tree branch blocks, hand dyed silks and finger puppets. I made a sleep time marionette for me to use with him.

So, what I am wondering is this... if one has strong daily rhythms and breathing space in your day, and your child feels secure in knowing what comes when, do you need weekly rhythms? If you are getting to the activities that are important to you, does it matter?

With homeschooling the grades, I need weekly rhythms to figure out when we will do things, otherwise the week evaporates and we would not paint or do form drawing or have a rhyme and reason to Main lessons. And I would be totally lost at four o'clock if I did not have a plan for meals.

But if your child is under seven, what do weekly rhythms bring to you?

The notion of Weekly Rhythm in Waldorf came out of the kindergarten in which each day of the week is known by the children for what they do.

There is a baking day, a soup day (they remember to bring a vegetable) a painting day, a coloring day, maybe a woods walk day or a farm day or a eurhythmy day depending on the school. At the end of each day at school, the class holds hands and sings goodbye. The parents may be included in this. At the end the teacher says, and I will see you tomorrow for _______ (fill in) day. On Friday she says, "tomorrow and the next day are home days and I'll see you on Monday for painting day. Have a good weekend!"

The child lives with anticipation of what is to come. With excitement. And predictibility. This is an integral part of early childhood.

Children wait until they are old enough to go to college.

Children wait until they can get their own checking account.

Children wait until they are old enough to drive.

Children wait until they are old enough for the first date.

Children wait until they are old enough to go off to a movie with friends.

Children wait until they are old enough to use a computer.

Children wait until they are allowed to be at home alone.

Children wait until they are taught to write.

Children wait until they are allowed to cross the street on their own.

Children wait until they can get their own library card.

Children wait until the can ride a two wheeler.

Children wait until they are allowed to go out and play on their own.

Children wait until they are allowed to set the table.

Children wait until they are allowed to use a knife.

Children wait until they are allowed to paint.

Children wait until they are allowed to have crayons.

This list is just some elements of life that children anticipate.

As the adults we can frame them in the context of development. We can make it magical. We can celebrate these milestones of life for our children as they happen, simply and joyfully. When you are in first grade, you'll learn to write. When you are in 3rd grade, you'll join us for family movie night. When you are 16, you'll learn to drive. We teach the child through these actions, through anticipation that there is a natural order to life, that everything unfold in its own good time.

When we set it up this way, developmentally, it take us out of the picture as the one who grants or denies their wishes and places it squarely in the context of age an development. It takes this off our shoulders and eliminates the power struggle.

Oh how I wish I had a chart that said, when you are ___ you will _______ but it comes with time and with input from wise like minded parents and the first child, the "first pancake" as April in Pieces of April describes herself, is the test pancake.

When we prepare to cook a batch of pancakes, it is with the first one that we are testing the heat of the pan, the amount of butter in the pan, the readiness of the batter, and it gets easier with experience. Now we can talk about the first born.

See how interwoven life is and especially with Waldorf! We all can draw on each other, once we have some clarity to our own values for our child.

Anticipation is a powerful parenting tool, for it creates a picture of what is to come, with time for the child, and takes us out of the power struggle.

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Is anticipation something you struggle with? Is it a conscious part of your parenting?

Pull them in Closer

Since we are delving into conscious, connected, creative parenting over on the eCourses in February and March, I thought I'd offer some reflection here on a common parenting practice ~ the time out 

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Imagine that moment when a child is cranky for some reason or another and is complaining or disruptive. Mama is tired of his whining and sends him to his room for a time out.

The child is clearly out of sorts, and feeling miserable. Let's look at what it means to send a child to his or her room for being miserable. Misery is a feeling, an expression of emotion.

A miserable child is having some big strong emotions, like sadness and disappointment. Children do not know what to do with these big strong feelings, so they lash out and have meltdowns and have tantrums.

This is completely normal and to be expected.

Children have big emotions. They squeal with joy, cry in frustration, stamp their feet, interrupt and whine in the most annoying way.

Our initial impulse is probably to push it away, make it go away, or at least put it out of earshot. (this is probably a protective impulse of sorts!)

Yet the more connected we are with the child and the more accepting we are of their feelings in the moment, even if they want to pummel big brother, the more easy it is for them to get it out and move on.

And the more we ignore it, or discount it or poo poo it, the more likely it is to resurface with new found intensity in a completely unrelated moment. For our emotions go somewhere. They go in deeper and get stronger and heavier to carry around. They emerge with more force the next time. Sometimes they come out in adulthood, and take shapes we had not imagined could exist. But they do.

When we name it and acknowledge it, the child will usually moves through it, like this, "you're feeling sad about not going out to play, you want to be with the other children. you are angry at me for saying no."

Right there we help the child be in his body, be fully present and grounded and aware that he is feeling something strong and it is sadness and anger. If we share a story of our own about being young that helps too sometimes. No need to process the feelings or get into to them deeply or talk about them beyond naming them and acknowledging the child in the moment.

If we send them off to be alone because we are feeling uncomfortable with their feelings, then we have some work to do on ourselves. Sending them off when they are in distress is a form of abandonment.

This is a great example of  where inner work helps us grow and understand our children by understanding ourselves. Then we can respond with calm action rather than react all over the place and make a big mess of it, make our children fearful and teach them to stuff their feelings.

When my children's behavior arouses feelings in me, that is a sign that I have something to look at and release from my own experience of childhood in order to really see my children and respond healthily. We all have it. It is part of being human. When we ignore it and get angry and frustrated with our children's behavior it is very difficult to guide them. We need to take care of ourselves first. Then we can be grounded to really see, hear and feel them and guide them through the big emotions and challenges of life.

When we send our children to their rooms because we don't like their behavior, we are missing a chance to look beneath that behavior at what the child is trying to tell us, what does the child need in this moment? Usually it has to do with connection. A separation only drives it all deeper and makes it harder for the child to grow and learn how to get their needs met in healthy ways. And then we feel bad about ourselves.

Rather than have bad feelings, let go of them, remember we are all learning. Our children are our teachers.

Here's a beautiful and inspiring example of how a teacher pulled them all in closer, children and parents, when a classmate's behavior was challenging.

Come on over and join my Love ~ the Heart of Discipline eCourse next time it runs, if you'd like to plunge into some parenting practices practice, connect with others on this path of conscious, connected and creative parenting, and find ways to ease the struggles, while deepening your understanding of the underpinnings of Waldorf education.

Blessings on your parenting journey,

Announcing eCourse on Discipline Part II

practical strategies for love: the heart of discipline

~ a month of practice
::

Oh dear parents, you know what it is to be a parent. We have moments of sweetness and tenderness that fill and expand our hearts in ways we never imagined possible.

And we have those moments of frustration, when we want to stomp our feet and yell to the universe, "Get me out of here! Take me away, now, please?!"

I have had moments when that little voice inside is saying to me, "This is not what I thought it would be like to be a parent, to be a family. This is so not what I imagined."

Parenting brings out our very best and our worst. Somedays it is hard to find that middle ground, to breath and keep on going, with humor.

In the past few decades, we have seen an explosion of "how to" parenting books. From the "do as I say, not as I do," authoritarian mode, of angry outbursts, to sticks and carrots, to positive affirmation.

But that there is another way. One that rises from within, out of our own experience, out of our own being that is based on the developmental picture of the child and grounded in healthy attachment. One that is sparked by the creative flame in each parent, so it is unique to you. Conscious. Connected. Creative.

For the month of March, for 31 days in a sort of intensive boot camp, I will share practical strategies, based on the developmental picture of the child, that we will practice together through the month.

Come join a wise, warm and engaging community of others on this path.

We'll examine habits that are not working and find new ways to create an inner and outer environment to help bring harmony and breathing to our days. we look at the language we use and find creative responses to situations that are challenging.

I'll do this through the use of tips, examples, pictures of challenging situations and creative approaches.

As a parent of nearly twenty years, teacher and care giver to many children over the years, I bring a good deal of experience in sticky situations. I also have had great teachers throughout my life who have inspired me wit their patience, wisdom, humor and grace. I hope to pass that along to you in this month of practical application.

Registration is Closed

this eCourse runs from March 1 to March 31st

you may return indefinitely after the course ends and closes to new members on March 31st

Registration Options:

:: eCourse only is $25 Sign up here

:: eCourse and all the Living Curriculum Program support materials for March  $45 ~ learn more on what that includes here
:: an eCourse for each month of the year (12), the Living Curriculum program for Twelve months ~ $495

How We Talk to Our Children

Everyday we talk. We wake up and speak. We talk to the dog, the cat, our partners and our children all through the day. Yet how often do we sit back and really reflect on the language we use? Speaking is one of those things we do that takes on its own habits and practices.

How often do we hear the voice of our mother or father or even grandparent come out when we speak?

The use of language is one characteristic that distinguishes human beings from animals. Yet sometimes, too much of a good thing is no longer a good thing. Our culture places heavy emphasis on the printed word with a push towards early reading  and often we find ourselves bombarded with words via screens and speakers in waiting rooms, airports, airplanes, bars, banks, restaurants and shops. The screen is everywhere blasting news and information at us and our children when they are out and about in these places.

We can protect children from this onslaught of media by carefully deciding where and when we take them out. We can provide diversions from the screens in waiting rooms by bringing a book or being prepared with a little verse and a finger puppet in the pocket.

We can examine the language we use when we speak to children. What are we trying to convey and can we find simpler, more creative and perhaps more effective ways of expressing it?

Do you wonder how it is that Waldorf kindergarten and nursery teachers get children to come and go with so little talking?

This month in my Celebrate the Rhythm of Life in March E-Course Program, we'll take a look and listen to the way we speak to the children in our lives. What are the words we use? Do we want to keep using them? We'll wonder together and explore ways of communicating with children that are simple and effective and energizing for child and adult alike.

In addition to the focus topic aspect, Celebrate the Rhythm of Life in March includes support materials and conversation dedicated to supporting you in bringing harmony, rhythm and balance to daily life. Materials include a Daily Rhythm Guide, Weekly Rhythm Support, Material to support seasonal celebration though verse stories, recipes, song, crafts, handwork, puppetry and best of all a community of others who are journeying on this path.

$45

Sign Up Here 

Marsha Johnson's Reminder

The Issue of Toys, Children, and Materialism

By Mrs. M, also known as Marsha Johnson, December 2004
~ re-printed with permission

Shopping bags and baskets full, parents and family friends arriving with parcels, long store lines, and big dollar prices………birthdays, holidays, other occasions both secular and religious, family rooms, play rooms, bedrooms, living rooms, filled with play items, bright colors, plastics, woods, cloth, books, and more…………is there room for the child?  Where is the child?  In late fall, these questions start to present themselves to even the most unconscious person as we strive to find the ‘perfect’ addition to an entire house filled with personal items…….as well as strive to come up with a wish list for ourselves.  This year, I notice the most advertised item is a S’more cooker!  If only we could just package the happy feelings that we experience when gathered around a cozy campfire, in the woods, while toasting food on a stick!  This is what the manufacturer knows will sell his silly little invention:  he is selling memories.

Burdened with possessions from before birth, we stumble along this treacherous pathway at holidays, driven by commercial interests, lists of best sellers (if other people bought it, it must be good), and short lived desires stimulated by visual, auditory, and olfactory images.  Artistic and historical pictures of holidays always include the scene where wrappings are torn off and cries of joy fill the room as each receives exactly the right gift.  Does this sound familiar to you?

I distinctly recall a holiday when our oldest son was two years old, and in his stocking, he discovered a tiny metal truck and a tiny yellow metal bulldozer.  At that point, his holiday was complete and he was not interested in any other gaily wrapped packages or presents except one large cardboard box left over from some item that he played with for weeks.  Did this wake us up a bit?  Well, frankly, not enough.  Our family cultural background, our own perceptions of the ‘ideal’ holiday scene, and an inability to resist commercial pressures and peer pressures, drove us on the mad buying road for quite a few years to come.

Then, when studying anthroposophy, Waldorf education, and in teacher training, I began to perceive another more sinister aspect to the whole scenario.  Facing the conscious human being on this planet are two primary foes: beautiful evil Lucifer, who tempts us with his garden of wickedness and false promises of divine status, and ugly, hard Ahriman, who pulls at our material and commercial roots with sober glee.  We tread this delicate path each moment, and it seems that their influence increases geometrically at major holiday times.  We smother our children under a plethora of physical goods!  Asthma is rising rapidly in our world and it is not wonder that we cannot breathe freely under the weight of our possessions.

Reading through a stack of books on child development, from ones generated out of Waldorf education to just about every other approach, there is indeed a common theme.  Children should be surrounded by a few multi-purpose, open-ended items that encourage imaginative play, social interaction, and healthy bodily movement.  Young children need to be interactive with the physical world in a direct sense, stomach or back to the earth, although a blanket, skin, or floor may lie between.  The urge to rise must be allowed to flourish independently in the infant human being, and nearly all children do indeed push themselves away from the horizontal and ascend to a vertical stance.  The miracles of scooting, crawling, standing, cruising, and walking need no artificial assisters such as walkers, jumpers, or swings. 

Nearly all of the most popular toy items do not meet the 3 basic criteria listed above:  hard plastic items are too formed to be open-ended, they must adhere to their pre-conceived shape and form.  They feel dead to the touch and are non responsive to the mood of the child.  You can see this disdain in the actions of the children who play with plastic items as they throw them around rooms, kick them, leave them outside in the yard, litter them everywhere and have trouble cleaning them up.  Parents literally have garbage can sized containers into which all these plastic goodies are shoveled and rarely sorted.  Landfills are overwhelmed with plastic debris and it requires thousands of years to decompose.  Plastic also use valuable petroleum resources and is filled with toxins for the most part.  Does this discourage us?  I wonder. Stroll without your child down a toy store items and simply look for plastic.  It is unavoidable.

Open ended items are simple, often made of natural materials such as wool, wood, metal, or cloth.  Undefined or lightly defined toys allow children to use them in a multitude of ways.  A new playmate brings new ideas for logs, scarves, blocks, and playhouses.  Endless games with ropes, sticks, and simple tools will result during afternoons with friends.  Finding toys that work with social settings as well as all-alone times is a key factor for parents. Creating and combining personal play areas of family play areas is important and requires some consideration.  Clearly, adults need space for adult activities and babies need to be protected from dangerous items.  It might be helpful to sit down and think over your home, your room assignments, notice where your family gathers, do children actually play in the bedroom?  Or do they bring all their play items into the kitchen, the living room, or family room, where the parents tend to be? 

Social interactions can begin for children at about age 3 or 4, when they can start to actually ‘play with’ another child instead of ‘play near’ someone else.  The child in the 3rd year begins to use the word “I” to designate self, and this is a critical consciousness step in development.  When we use the word “I”, we experience an inner feeling of our free selves, our free will, our own being, our souls and spirits.  We are unique and can express this wonderful word that only we can use for ourselves (no-one else can call us I).  Before this time, parents notice that children are exploring their surroundings with interest, imitating the actions of their parents or caregivers, perhaps using the broom to sweep the floor.  Babies under 1 year are observers and listeners as they move their limbs and learn to manipulate their small physical bodies in that all encompassing drive to rise.  Their social encounters are based on human interactions, facial expressions, and echoing or mimicking what they see.  Have you ever been about a baby about 9 months old who literally stares at your face until you make eye contact?  Serious hopeful expression transforms into a beautiful body-wide smile!  What a wonderful feeling!

Body movement is critical to healthy brain development and according to every study in the world, video and computer activities are contributing to an unprecedented decline in child physical heath.  Running, skipping, dancing, moving, climbing, chasing, and hopping are on the decline!  Teachers see children in the grades who have great challenges with basic balance skills such as walking a straight line.  What to do?  Parents are often exhausted in their own work, and insert the video into the machine to escape into solitude for 90 minutes while the child is occupied.  Our families are often so isolated from one another that there is no respite or very little.  I know a child who is 18 months old who can turn on tv and video player, insert and remove the movie, and operate the remote control. 

Relatives of families who are trying to find a different path often fall into a situation where they create conflict with gifts of commercial plastic or media items.  The common culture is such that refusing such gifts often induces arguments and antipathy.  Children of these families are sometimes then over-exposed to these influences during visits or vacations, when grandparents can follow their own beliefs and stuff children with nitrite laced hot dogs and movies.  Has this happened to you?  It can be a very difficult emotional experience for the adult children of baby boomer generation grandparents, born in the 40s and 50s, which was also the birth of the plastic toy industry.  I recall wishing for the Mr. Potato Head Toy that came with nose, ears, mouth, etc. that were to be pushing into a real potato.  The innocent (?) beginnings of a world wide lifelong addition to the acquisition of things that have very little significant purpose or meaning.  And most of us do not even realize that we have been registered in this senseless buying club for life.

Families who are seeking a different way of providing toy items and play spaces for their children must be willing to undergo some conflicted feelings and pressures.  In addition, parents must be able to agree to adopting a new approach and support one another:  it is not uncommon to find one parent wishing to be dedicated to a less materialistic lifestyle while the other one is sneaking the Gameboy into the stocking. 

PLAY ITEMS CHECKLIST AND ADVICE:

If you are not a parent yet, good, you can skip the rest of the this paragraph and go on to the section for specific recommendations for children by ages.  If you have children already, then you must make some tough decisions.  Here is one method that works well and it gentle in its approach.  If you follow this advice, you will find that in about 1 year, your home will be free of all commercial/materialistic toy burdens, you will feel lighter and more in tune with nature and the seasons, and your family time will be enhanced and enjoyable with the need to spend hours organizing and cleaning up after your children and yourself.

First, have a private discussion with spouse and come to agreement.  This is critical and this program will not work unless this has been completed.  Then examine your home and its contents.  Go into your child’s room and count how many items are in that space.  Include clothing, shoes, and coats.  Count aloud and be amazed.  How can one being be surrounded by so many physical things?  Notice how many images or hanging items are on the walls, how many things hang in windows, etc.  Do the same activity with your play room or family room where toys are kept.  Look into the movie cupboard and notice how many boxes or cases.  Count how many TVs are in your home.  How many music CDs?  Where are these items kept? Peek into the attic, the basement, the garage, the kitchen cupboards, the laundry room, the sheet storage, the towel closet, obtain a good impression of how many items there in your home.

Take a break and have a cup of tea.  In a day or two, send the children over to play at a friend’s home.  Strengthen yourself with prayer and go into your play spaces and remove about one third of the toys not on the list below.  Put into large black storage bags and drive over to someone else’s home or garage.  (No temptation to retrieve and after 3 months, you can given them to charity).  Include books, posters, stuff, even expensive stuff.  This first foray is the hardest and you can select items that you know your child rarely plays with.  Try to include mostly plastic junky items that will never be missed.  Include stuffed animals that are sitting, lonely, and plastic dolls that lie heaped in the corner.  Sentimental items like grandma’s doll clothes should be kept, there is love in the stitches that cannot be replaced.

If you are really strong and on a roll, you can do this for other areas of the home and include the clothing drawers:  children do NOT need walk-in closets, this accumulation of 24 pairs of shoes is both confusing and ridiculous and I am old enough to remember when children under 3 wore white baby shoes (1 pair) which we polished.  Do your kitchen (who need 4 tablespoon measurers?) and your own closet.  Donate your items to charities and store if you must.

If children notice something is gone, if under six, distract them with a play idea, or tell a little story about a bunny who had so many things she couldn’t sleep in her cozy bunny hole.  Leave it at that if possible.  Children six and older may need to know that the family is making some changes that are healthy for everyone and that is probably enough.  If you try this on older children, you will need their cooperation. 

In about three months, do this again.  In the meantime, begin adding to the store of items listed below.  Slowly replace various toys with substitutes that meet the three criteria of being open-ended, socially healthy, and encourage body movement.  If you continue this pathway for a year, that will give your four opportunities to reduce, diminish, refocus, alter, redefine, and re-direct your child’s play environment, sleep environment, and living environment.

In your organization, create specific areas of particular play items:  outdoors for certain pursuits, an art space with paints, crayons, brushes, pastels, paper, and more, a reading/book area to share, and a game playing space.  These spaces can share your dining room or family room.  Bedrooms are for sleeping and keeping clothing in, maybe 1 special stuffed animal friend, or 1 doll cradle.  When a child is sent to clean their room, it means change the sheets, sweep the floor, wash the window, and take care of shoes and clothing.  How many times do we confuse cleaning with picking up?

MUST DO:

1)   Remove all TVs from home if possible with young children and middle aged children and teenagers.  You will not regret this decision.

2)   If not possible, keep one and put in closet that locks or some space inaccessible to family members without a lot of work.

3)  Obviously same with all video equipment….dvd players

4)   Remove all computer games from computer and put cds in a box and hide them in a closet.
Computers are for ‘working’, writing, communicating.  If you play games, do it only after kids are in bed.

5)  Ask or persuade friends and family to switch from giving more toys and clothes to a) buying items you request, b) gift certificates to particular catalogs (Magic Cabin, Chinaberry Books), or c) put the money they would have spent into certificates of deposit for future educational expense (tuition is a big issue for the future) or d) be willing to substitute time together for physical items.  Come over for dinner and stay for a games night, go out for a walk in a bird reserve, take a trip to the beach, cook a family recipe together……beg, plead, and insist.  They will adopt your methods, slowly. 

6)  If child receives an unexpected objectionable item, be gracious and enjoy it for a while, then ‘disappear’ it magically.  Time is a great healer.

7)  Frequently visit other families who are like minded to encourage yourself and find support.  You will find that all the children in the neighborhood will want to hang out at your house!  Bring them in and teach their parents.

8)  Take the money you save and enjoy a fantastic family camping trip or vacation.  You will literally save thousands and thousands of dollars over the 18 years of your child’s life.

9) Examine wardrobes and put together fourteen outfits for your children, enough for 2 weeks without laundry, for each season, and donate the rest.  Buy good quality wool, cotton, and natural fiber clothes that will last through several children, practice the fine art of hand me downs, and gather a group of other families to have a twice a year ‘share’ time where you all bring extra clothes and parcel them out.  You will be shocked at how this is so very freeing although you  will spend a bit more time doing laundry on your new schedule. 

10)  Begin a rhythm in your household that includes all members in a reasonable cycle of chores that includes and shares out cooking, cleaning, washing, and gardening.  Spend your time together with purpose as opposed to trying to get a few chores ‘done’ while everyone else sits in front of a screen.  Laundry day can be a good social time to visit over sock matching, laundry line hanging, and there is nothing that can beat (Sorry commercial artificial laundry scent manufacturers) the smell of wind-dried sheets on summer days. Avoid using machines for your household work, study up on how to make your own healthy cleaners, and treasure old towels for wonderfully soft rags.  Step away from silly products that promise to somehow make your life easier that actually are simply substitutes for old fashioned, tried and true methods.  

11)  Get together with a couple other families and form a study group to enjoy dinner together once a month and talk about parenting, read new books, enjoy community, and share ideas. Insist that gift giving occasions be primarily social events, outdoor adventures, nature immersed, and intentionally diminish or reduce the time of ‘gifting’ in your life.  Try an ‘exchange’ habit, instead, or take a class and learn how to make something useful, for example, learn to carve wooden spoons and give these as gifts.  Simple and very helpful and useful.  Do not overdo it and give dozens!  Avoid the consumption addiction in all respects.

 PLAY ITEMS FOR PARTICULAR AGES LIST:

INFANTS UNDER 1 YEAR: (Secret!  Children under 1 year old do not need ANY toys!  None at all.  They need humans and something to suck and chew on, like their fingers and toes. But if you must….)

            Wooden chew toy/rattle (1)

            Soft ball (size of an adult fist)

            2-3 silks to play peek a boo

            1 soft cottony type stuffed thing to chew on, can be animal or shape

            A special snuggly blanket for bed time

            A nature table to observe

1YEAR TO 3 YEARS OLD:

            The above items plus……..

            A set of wooden blocks (can be made by hand, or tree limbs that are smooth and splinter free, cut into rounds and sanded)

            1 soft doll, no features, stuffed with wool, with doll cradle and blanket

            Several soft balls

            Baskets of smooth sticks, shells, nuts in the shell, stones

            Stacking toys (there are wooden ones that are nice)

            Small truck or car

            Basket of silks, six or eight, in large squares for playing and dress up

            3 stick crayons in red, yellow, blue and some sturdy paper for coloring

            6 small board books, classics

            1 nice picture on the wall

            1 nice hanging hand made mobile

4 YEARS TO 7 YEARS

            Same as above

            Plus dress up capes and crowns

            Stick horse is nice, jump rope

            Play areas for pretend kitchen, pretend laundry area

            Digging tools for the garden, seeds

            Board games (2-3 at one time)

            Crayons in eight colors

            Water color paints in 3 colors (red, yellow, blue)

            Beeswax for modeling, sewing kit with big needle

            Playstands for creating homes, forts, pirate ships

            Simply music instruments are nice: rattles, bells

            Outdoor riding toys are enjoyed

            Wagons, swings, ropes, small logs outside

            1 doll with legs and arms, clothes for the doll

            Small animals for playing, wooden shapes are nice

            Often a small playhouse with furniture, all wood

            Or a barn with horses, stalls, fences, etc. of wood

            No more than 2 dozen books on shelf for a few months

            Candle next to bed for lighting and night time song and story

8 YEARS TO AGE 12

            Cards, dice

            Board games for the age: checkers, chess, cribbage

            Collectables (big age for starting collections)

            Kits for building, tool sets that are real tools

            Wood carving with supervision

            Sewing kits

            Knitting kits, wool, crochet sets and patterns

            More paints, include pastels, chalk

            Blackboard is nice for wall with chalk

            Sport equipment as your family enjoys

            Bike

            Treasure box for rock collection

            Often a more complex doll

            Roller Skates, or blades

            Bird watching kits, books

            Excursions:  Take them places!

            Books on a shelf, family books, carefully selected for content

            Binoculars, telescope, microscope

            Magnifying glasses

            Items that your child really desires and will take care of………

This is a only a partial list and I am sure more can be added as you think of your family and their needs.  As time passes, the children will become more independent and the parental guidance loosens quite a bit.  If we can help our children perceive that we can escape from the commercial/material treadmill that keeps so many sad captive people enslaved to both earning the money to purchase items and time sacrificed to maintain them, we are doing a good deed for the world and the future.  I welcome your responses.

Marsha Johnson           

Marsha Johnson has an excellent yahoo group for Waldorf Homeschoolers. You can find it here.