Ways to Support the Behavior You Desire in Children

This piece came about as a response to a query about discipline and Waldorf ways in a Waldorf homeschooling discussion group. I received many kind notes about its helpfulness and thought you might like it here. I have slightly tweaked the original version.

Many aspects of Waldorf education help life flow with children. While Waldorf kindergartens and nurseries may appear to be child centered, the environment is created by the work, intention and daily carrying of the teacher. A similar practice can be applied at home.

I am often asked about the discipline question. How is it that seems seems to flow easily with children in Waldorf environments, at least much of the time as the teachers seem so calm and relaxed.

I have come to learn that discipline is for adults. It is something very individual, unique to each one of us, in our observation of the child and in reflection/meditation on the behaviors that challenge us. 

Yet there are certain aspects that are shared.

Discipline and our reactions to behavior are about us, and, in doing our inner work we can make room for seeing the child more clearly.

We can clear the space within to meet the child. Discipline in Waldorf education invokes the spiritual world. We are all striving to bring our own most brilliant flame into the world. It is a process. We have help.

Toys sometimes do go to rest when children can not play with them (and each other) with care or children can be given an imaginative picture of how to play with them in a different way. "The horse is going to rest today. We'll cover him with a blanket." 

Then we might turn to the dollies' corner. "Oh, Dolly needs a sweater" and we might turn to Dolly and start to care for her while huming.

The child often will step into the play where we are focused on practical work and then we can remove our self. Or we might provide a basket and suggest that balls may be tossed in here rather than across the room or at each other.

The situations that might call for a time out for some children or parents are the situations in which the child is asking us to take him or her in, into our notice, into our vision, into our heart, our strength; the child is struggling, the child needs us to see him or her and be the grown up. The rule still applies. We can be loving, warm and kind, and firm and understanding as well by taking care to respond to the child's needs, rather than re-act out of our own wounds.

What Does This Look Like to be Warm and Kind, Firm and Loving?

We might bring the child close to us, on the lap, give a back rub, engage the child in positive action to help out or to set the wrong right. If the child is too out of sorts to do this then the child really needs us to help him/her find their equilibrium. Some children may want to go off and be alone, most need guidance to find their calm place. Or it might mean this is a time of day when the child needs to be doing more expansive activity like playing outdoors, have a bite to eat or rest.

Children must be able to regulate their bodies before they can regulate their emotions. If a child is cold, tired, hungry, thirty or on sensory overload, the child will struggle with any emotional stress.

Questions to ask yourself:

• Is the child hungry, needing food or water?
• Is the child tired, needing rest or sleep?
• Is the child overstimulated?
• What is going on around the child, in the environment?
• What is living in the child's play?
• What is going on for the child with this play?
• What is the child seeking with this behavior?
• How can we support this growth in a positive way?
• How can we support the child to work through this?
• Does the child ned to be challenged with a new task?
• Does the child need to contribute in a meaningful way, a task to contribute a sense of purpose?

Boys are attracted to sticks and guns. Joan Almon once reminded us that sticks and guns are an extension of the boys anatomy, they point and spray or shoot. We cannot take this away from boys, (that would mean castration!). We can keep guns out of the environment and make boundaries around how the point and shoot unfolds. We might make suggestions about what comes out of the gun, "Oh it's the love gun" Some teachers will carry play through when it involves shooting an animal to skin and dress the animal to feed people with great reverence and awe and gratitude. Some teachers only permit shooting animals not people.

It is the clear, consistent, kept, predictable boundary that the child will accept and respond to. For teachers, it is easier because we see so much and have lots of practice and preparation. We get to ponder it before it happens. As parents, it is trickier because we may not be prepared for what are children bring to us. In finding our clarity, we can set the boundaries for our children.

I have seen children play and play and play out scenes from movies in loud, violent and aggressive ways. The child tries and tries and tries to digest material that is overstimulating him. Remove the stimulation and re-direct to healthy play (often big movement for boys outdoors.) Allow the child the time and space to work through this sticky point without judgement.

Some basics:

1) Understand child development, what does this age/stage look like? what to expect? how to nourish it? what are the challenges the child is facing? For the child from birth to seven, it is about engaging the will forces, taking action and moving through a task. How do we meet the child with playful, active transitions? through movement? What are reasonable expectations for the child?

2) Do the Inner work.  Ask yourself, what was my development like as a child? Where was I hindered? Nurtured? How? What are my fondest memories of childhood? What is bugging me about this now? Am I responding to this situation or reacting? (hint, when we have strong feelings, we are reacting)

3) Create and maintain a strong consistent rhythm to the day, the week, the year. Rhythm is about routine, yes, and also about the quality of the gesture. Is it expansive or contracting? Is it energizing or restful? Look at what time of day works best for each type of activity the child experiences within the context of the day. Put the child's schedule first.

4) Create an environment that is simple, beautiful, safe and worthy of reverence for the child. Within this world, the child may find great freedom to play creatively (with simple open ended toys) and freely. Less is more. Model behavior that is worthy of imitation. When my children were young, we had a small low table in the kitchen with little benches to sit on. Around the age when my child would start exploring the kitchen cupboards at floor level, I provided small pot with a lid and a small pan, a wooden spoon, some nuts (we used chestnuts and Brazil nuts) pine cones and sea shells on the little bench by the table. My children cooked as I cooked. As they grew, they helped chop vegetables from when they were very young, first with a paring knife, then with a chef's knife. I love it when they prepare meals now!

5) Trust the child to take risks and to resolve conflicts with other children. Magda Gerber's books best describe this for young children, birth to three. (it works for older children and parents too) Sportscast what is going on with the children and stay back as long as no one is getting hurt and step in only to prevent hurting. Children have an amazing capacity to work out their own conflicts.

6) Ask the child's guardian angel and your own for guidance.

7) Take care of yourself. It is just crucial to eat wholesome nourishing food, get adequate and restful sleep, spend time in movement and connect with loved ones.

8) Simplify life. Have less stuff. Protect children from exposure to the adult world of media and conversations. Talk less. Have few scheduled activities, very few. Love the activities that you have.

9) Remember that it's okay to be loving, warm and kind, and firm at the same time.

Celebrate each day together.

Warmly,

Lisa

If you like this piece and would like more, consider the eCourse I am currently offering for parenting called Limits and Boundaries :: Gentle Aspects of Rhythm. Registration for this course will be open until Saturday, November 15th and then it will close to new members to keep it intimate. This is a small, intimate group and the course offers great potential for inner work, to go within and explore who you are and all you bring to your parenting, and to support you to express that consciously, creatively and out of connection with your child. If you've ever struggled with limits and boundaries, this course is for you.

Celebrate the Rhythm of Life 

Harmonious Rhythms ::  Parenting with Soul :: Waldorf Homeschooling

Anticipation

"anticipation is making me wait, keeping me waiting...
… for these are the good ole days."

Are you old enough to remember Carly Simon's hit song? You can hear it here.

I do remember being a first time mom and oh, I wanted it all for my child.

I was so excited to explore these Waldorf ways with him. I looked forward to all these delicacies of a Steiner based education: watercolor painting, geometric designs, beeswax modeling, marionette puppetry and woodworking. I wanted to bring it all to him.

I was blessed to have a lovely mentor in my life, who was grandmotherly to me and helped me see that it is a gift for the child to wait for things. Anticipation builds interest, curiosity, gratitude and joy. When we are given things before we are ripe for them, we cannot appreciate them. 

The child three and under is all movement and exploration: working hard in piling things up… and then... dumping, splashing, dropping, undressing the dolls. All process. No finished product. This is to celebrate, this is healthy development. This free self initiated movement is the foundation for creativity. 

Babies don't need to be born with a paintbrush in their hand to become creative human beings. The creativity arises from the whole being, the being who was free to be a baby and move around, free to be a toddler and toddle around. This is what I came to understand about Steiner based education, that we honor the age and stage of development and let children be children by waiting. 

Another realization that came to me with this bundle of joy and infinite wisdom, my first born, when I was so gung ho to bring him painting and crafts and modeling was that it was me who had the hunger. I  wanted to delve into these realms. So little by little, in taking up the painting and crafts and modeling myself, I was able to step back and allow my child to be a toddler.

So I began to paint and made things of the watercolors: invitations, cards, bookmarks, notes for myself. In doing this, indulging myself, I realized I was giving myself permission to nurture me. Just for me.

Around the same time, I began to focus my artistic energies on making practical things for my son, tree branch blocks, hand dyed silks and finger puppets. I made a sleep time marionette for me to use with him.

So, what I am wondering is this... if one has strong daily rhythms and breathing space in your day, and your child feels secure in knowing what comes when, do you need weekly rhythms? If you are getting to the activities that are important to you, does it matter?

With homeschooling the grades, I need weekly rhythms to figure out when we will do things, otherwise the week evaporates and we would not paint or do form drawing or have a rhyme and reason to Main lessons. And I would be totally lost at four o'clock if I did not have a plan for meals.

But if your child is under seven, what do weekly rhythms bring to you?

The notion of Weekly Rhythm in Waldorf came out of the kindergarten in which each day of the week is known by the children for what they do.

There is a baking day, a soup day (they remember to bring a vegetable) a painting day, a coloring day, maybe a woods walk day or a farm day or a eurhythmy day depending on the school. At the end of each day at school, the class holds hands and sings goodbye. The parents may be included in this. At the end the teacher says, and I will see you tomorrow for _______ (fill in) day. On Friday she says, "tomorrow and the next day are home days and I'll see you on Monday for painting day. Have a good weekend!"

The child lives with anticipation of what is to come. With excitement. And predictibility. This is an integral part of early childhood.

Children wait until they are old enough to go to college.

Children wait until they can get their own checking account.

Children wait until they are old enough to drive.

Children wait until they are old enough for the first date.

Children wait until they are old enough to go off to a movie with friends.

Children wait until they are old enough to use a computer.

Children wait until they are allowed to be at home alone.

Children wait until they are taught to write.

Children wait until they are allowed to cross the street on their own.

Children wait until they can get their own library card.

Children wait until the can ride a two wheeler.

Children wait until they are allowed to go out and play on their own.

Children wait until they are allowed to set the table.

Children wait until they are allowed to use a knife.

Children wait until they are allowed to paint.

Children wait until they are allowed to have crayons.

This list is just some elements of life that children anticipate.

As the adults we can frame them in the context of development. We can make it magical. We can celebrate these milestones of life for our children as they happen, simply and joyfully. When you are in first grade, you'll learn to write. When you are in 3rd grade, you'll join us for family movie night. When you are 16, you'll learn to drive. We teach the child through these actions, through anticipation that there is a natural order to life, that everything unfold in its own good time.

When we set it up this way, developmentally, it take us out of the picture as the one who grants or denies their wishes and places it squarely in the context of age an development. It takes this off our shoulders and eliminates the power struggle.

Oh how I wish I had a chart that said, when you are ___ you will _______ but it comes with time and with input from wise like minded parents and the first child, the "first pancake" as April in Pieces of April describes herself, is the test pancake.

When we prepare to cook a batch of pancakes, it is with the first one that we are testing the heat of the pan, the amount of butter in the pan, the readiness of the batter, and it gets easier with experience. Now we can talk about the first born.

See how interwoven life is and especially with Waldorf! We all can draw on each other, once we have some clarity to our own values for our child.

Anticipation is a powerful parenting tool, for it creates a picture of what is to come, with time for the child, and takes us out of the power struggle.

::::

Is anticipation something you struggle with? Is it a conscious part of your parenting?

Pull them in Closer

Since we are delving into conscious, connected, creative parenting over on the eCourses in February and March, I thought I'd offer some reflection here on a common parenting practice ~ the time out 

::::

Imagine that moment when a child is cranky for some reason or another and is complaining or disruptive. Mama is tired of his whining and sends him to his room for a time out.

The child is clearly out of sorts, and feeling miserable. Let's look at what it means to send a child to his or her room for being miserable. Misery is a feeling, an expression of emotion.

A miserable child is having some big strong emotions, like sadness and disappointment. Children do not know what to do with these big strong feelings, so they lash out and have meltdowns and have tantrums.

This is completely normal and to be expected.

Children have big emotions. They squeal with joy, cry in frustration, stamp their feet, interrupt and whine in the most annoying way.

Our initial impulse is probably to push it away, make it go away, or at least put it out of earshot. (this is probably a protective impulse of sorts!)

Yet the more connected we are with the child and the more accepting we are of their feelings in the moment, even if they want to pummel big brother, the more easy it is for them to get it out and move on.

And the more we ignore it, or discount it or poo poo it, the more likely it is to resurface with new found intensity in a completely unrelated moment. For our emotions go somewhere. They go in deeper and get stronger and heavier to carry around. They emerge with more force the next time. Sometimes they come out in adulthood, and take shapes we had not imagined could exist. But they do.

When we name it and acknowledge it, the child will usually moves through it, like this, "you're feeling sad about not going out to play, you want to be with the other children. you are angry at me for saying no."

Right there we help the child be in his body, be fully present and grounded and aware that he is feeling something strong and it is sadness and anger. If we share a story of our own about being young that helps too sometimes. No need to process the feelings or get into to them deeply or talk about them beyond naming them and acknowledging the child in the moment.

If we send them off to be alone because we are feeling uncomfortable with their feelings, then we have some work to do on ourselves. Sending them off when they are in distress is a form of abandonment.

This is a great example of  where inner work helps us grow and understand our children by understanding ourselves. Then we can respond with calm action rather than react all over the place and make a big mess of it, make our children fearful and teach them to stuff their feelings.

When my children's behavior arouses feelings in me, that is a sign that I have something to look at and release from my own experience of childhood in order to really see my children and respond healthily. We all have it. It is part of being human. When we ignore it and get angry and frustrated with our children's behavior it is very difficult to guide them. We need to take care of ourselves first. Then we can be grounded to really see, hear and feel them and guide them through the big emotions and challenges of life.

When we send our children to their rooms because we don't like their behavior, we are missing a chance to look beneath that behavior at what the child is trying to tell us, what does the child need in this moment? Usually it has to do with connection. A separation only drives it all deeper and makes it harder for the child to grow and learn how to get their needs met in healthy ways. And then we feel bad about ourselves.

Rather than have bad feelings, let go of them, remember we are all learning. Our children are our teachers.

Here's a beautiful and inspiring example of how a teacher pulled them all in closer, children and parents, when a classmate's behavior was challenging.

Come on over and join my Love ~ the Heart of Discipline eCourse next time it runs, if you'd like to plunge into some parenting practices practice, connect with others on this path of conscious, connected and creative parenting, and find ways to ease the struggles, while deepening your understanding of the underpinnings of Waldorf education.

Blessings on your parenting journey,

Announcing eCourse on Discipline Part II

practical strategies for love: the heart of discipline

~ a month of practice
::

Oh dear parents, you know what it is to be a parent. We have moments of sweetness and tenderness that fill and expand our hearts in ways we never imagined possible.

And we have those moments of frustration, when we want to stomp our feet and yell to the universe, "Get me out of here! Take me away, now, please?!"

I have had moments when that little voice inside is saying to me, "This is not what I thought it would be like to be a parent, to be a family. This is so not what I imagined."

Parenting brings out our very best and our worst. Somedays it is hard to find that middle ground, to breath and keep on going, with humor.

In the past few decades, we have seen an explosion of "how to" parenting books. From the "do as I say, not as I do," authoritarian mode, of angry outbursts, to sticks and carrots, to positive affirmation.

But that there is another way. One that rises from within, out of our own experience, out of our own being that is based on the developmental picture of the child and grounded in healthy attachment. One that is sparked by the creative flame in each parent, so it is unique to you. Conscious. Connected. Creative.

For the month of March, for 31 days in a sort of intensive boot camp, I will share practical strategies, based on the developmental picture of the child, that we will practice together through the month.

Come join a wise, warm and engaging community of others on this path.

We'll examine habits that are not working and find new ways to create an inner and outer environment to help bring harmony and breathing to our days. we look at the language we use and find creative responses to situations that are challenging.

I'll do this through the use of tips, examples, pictures of challenging situations and creative approaches.

As a parent of nearly twenty years, teacher and care giver to many children over the years, I bring a good deal of experience in sticky situations. I also have had great teachers throughout my life who have inspired me wit their patience, wisdom, humor and grace. I hope to pass that along to you in this month of practical application.

Registration is Closed

this eCourse runs from March 1 to March 31st

you may return indefinitely after the course ends and closes to new members on March 31st

Registration Options:

:: eCourse only is $25 Sign up here

:: eCourse and all the Living Curriculum Program support materials for March  $45 ~ learn more on what that includes here
:: an eCourse for each month of the year (12), the Living Curriculum program for Twelve months ~ $495

Announcing an eCourse on Discipline

Love :: The Heart of Discipline
~ a conscious, creative, connected, gentle parenting eCourse

February 1 ~ February 28

registration is closed

“My hunch is that if we allow ourselves to give who we really are to the children in our care, we will in some way inspire cartwheels in their hearts.” ~ Fred Rogers

Join me for four weeks of exploration into parenting from the heart that allows you to give who you really are in your parenting. We'll explore conscious, creative and connected parenting through practical examples and real scenarios of living with children.

Are you?

• Tired of repeating yourself? nagging? yelling?
• Feeling exasperated when your child does not respond to your words?
• Having parenting moments in which you just don't know what to do?
• Do you wish you had other ways to respond?
• Would you like to laugh more?
• Do you sometimes feel lost when it comes to discipline?
• Does being with children exhaust you?
• Is the idea of discipline overwhelming to you? 
• Do you spend alot of time reading about discipline and parenting styles and wonder why they don't seem to work?
• Seeking ways to bring your child along without resistance?
• Wondering how you can make the day flow more peacefully?
• Are you looking for gentle ways to help your child grow peacefully as a human being?
• Would you like to lighten up and be more creative with discipline?

Come join me in this 4 week eCourse for practical examples and practice.

Me

When my first child was born, I was certain that if he had a gentle birth, was breastfed, co-slept in the family bed and I spent time with him and practiced attachment parenting that our life together would be smooth and harmonious. Are you laughing yet?

I wasn't.
The first year was very sweet with a happy baby whose needs were met. Then at one year he began walking and exploring and getting in to everything. He needed boundaries and loads of focused attention. I needed to make dinner and do laundry, attend to clients at prenatal visits, teach childbirth classes and go to labors and births.

I really struggled with "what to do." Especially in the toddler years. I knew clearly in my heart what I was not willing to do, yet I was at a loss for what "to do."

So I plugged along and found my way. I read books to no avail. Talked to friends. Made changes in myself and in our home life. Over the years it began to emerge, a picture of the child, the development of the child and the inner development of the adult. Playful parenting and the authoritative parent. Attachment and boundaries. Responding rather than reacting. Seeing the child for who he is. It all coalesced for me.

Did that make me the perfect parent? No, not at all. I have gained some clarity around the parent-child relationship and I have learned when to let go and when to forge ahead. I've learned to talk less and do more. I've learned to recognize when my child needs more connection with me and I have learned so much about boundaries. I don't get exasperated anymore. This baby who taught me so much is now 18 years old and continues to teach me.

Since those first tender days of new motherhood, I have had the great gift of teaching and caring for other people's children. This makes learning so much easier. Our own children come to us with such intensity and we are so often in the heat of the moment, that it can be hard to see the whole picture. Child number two came along eleven years ago and brought new opportunities for learning how he needs to be parented.

I have thought about offering this course for years. And waited. And waited. Now it feels like the time is ripe.

I am offering this eCourse to help you develop a clearer picture of the child, to find humor and creativity in the hard moments and to have plenty of hands on practice over the course of the month.

We'll focus on real life challenges over the course of the month: tantrums, resistance, "not hearing," name calling, sibling bashing, biting, hair pulling and what happens when parents have two distinct styles of discipline, and more, with practical examples to help you be who you really are!
I hope you'll join me for a month of practical examples and practice to make your parenting more conscious, creative and connected.

Registration Options:

:: eCourse only is $25 Sign up here

:: eCourse and all the Living Curriculum Program support materials for February  $45 ~ learn more on what that includes here
:: an eCourse for each month of the year (12), the Living Curriculum program for Twelve months ~ $495

Please know that I have kept the fee low to make it accessible.